November 5, 2014


i just fell asleep at 6:30 and didn't wake up until 9 and it feels like morning even though i'm cooking dinner right now.

bixby attacked a dog at the dog park on sunday, and i haven't felt like i could fully trust him since.  nothing reminds you that your dog is in fact an animal with all the instincts and social structures and emotions that implies like seeing him pin another dog to the ground and going at its throat like he means it.  i don't know what started it exactly, i thought he was friends with that bulldog, but we've been going to the other dog park since, just in case, with no repeat - or even similar - offenses.  having a dog is a lot harder than i anticipated, it's so much more than feeding them and making the time to ensure they're exercised.  i feel like i have to constantly train him, constantly make sure i'm not enforcing any bad behaviors.  you can't tell a dog "i'm letting you pull on the leash right now because i'm in a hurry, but please don't do it later."  you have to slow down and go through the motions of teaching them not to pull, unless you want them to do it again on the next walk.  and now that he's figured out he can get to the counters, even less stuff is safe.  he's ruined very few things, but i'll constantly find things he's moved to the floor - the remote, my socks, receipts.  yesterday i came home and the box set of game of throne season 2 dvds was on the floor, and little pieces of plastic from the case were splintered across the rug.  none of the dvds are ruined, but i borrowed the set from a dog park friend, and now i'll have to replace the whole thing, because i can't give it back to him all chewed.

i wanted to win the costume contest, but when i did i felt guilty about it, like i didn't deserve it.  i still feel that way, i don't know, i worked hard on my costume, but lots of people looked better than me.  the contest made the whole thing less fun.  we're in full holiday season swing now, i guess, but i'm feeling kind of grinchy about it.  i'm looking forward to thanksgiving, obviously, since i'll be in miami, but that feels like the opposite of thanksgiving to me - trading out my wool socks and hoodies for summery dresses and shorts.  even though it's been years since we've gone to the hersheys' for thanksgiving, that's how i'll always think it should be.  snacking on veggie platters and grapes and cheese all day while we play with aurora and the night ends with all of us singing "waltzing with bears" and "willin'" and we listen to captain kangaroo's christmas on the ride home (oh, mr. green jeans).  and christmas is a big question mark, as usual, i adore the holiday season, but christmas day itself stresses me out like no one's business.  we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, i guess.

pottery class started up yesterday, and i love it, again.  the first class is always too much talk and not enough do, but that's how the first class has to be.  i'm the only non-beginner, which automatically makes me the best in the class (heyo!) but it's funny, everyone else successfully threw pots way better than anything i made in the beginning.  speaking of christmas, the plan is to make a whole bunch of bowls and mugs and stuff and just give them to people, so basically the cost of all the presents i give is the cost of the class.  or something.  as long as i don't get attached to everything i make.  the teacher is really cool, i've had a different one each time, and honestly i think if this were my first class, he would drive me nuts but for a mixed levels class he's great.  very laissez-faire, i'm going to show you how to do it and then set you free with the wheels the clay and your own two hands.  i threw two cylinders, the first was decent, the second went to crap at the top and now it's just a lot shorter than i'd intended.  we'll see what they become.  i'm mostly excited to work on the decoration this time - i know my throwing still needs a lot of work, but some of the things i made last class i was perfectly happy with, except i wish i knew how the glazes interacted with each other better, and how to really use slip, and how to make designs in the clay to make it look like mine.  

i don't know, i've felt like i've been treading water lately.  i don't know where i'll be a year from now, i don't know where i want to be a year from now, i have this dog and this house and this life and it's working and i'm happy but i'm not necessarily content, you know?  i'm taking pottery, i'm prepping for the holidays.  and it's great, it's my life and it's great, but pretty soon i want something bigger.  something to make me feel small and brave and worthwhile.

that's all for now.