yesterday

you know those days that are just kind of delightful?  yesterday was one of them.  i got about 90% of what i wanted to get done at work done, checked up on every thing i have ordered online recently, and killed some logic puzzles (why am i so obsessed with these?).  i also ate two/four granola bars, depending on how you read the packaging, applesauce, leftover chinese food, sour cream and onion chips, a coke, popcorn, one million tootsie rolls, and four giant tervises (teehee all over that word) of water flavored with pink lemonade drops.  i think my bear-like instincts are kicking in and i am fattening myself up for winter.  soon i will hibernate.  i mean, i don't even like tootsie rolls that much.  yesterday, i did.  today, i am banning myself from the entire candy dish.

then bixby and i ran errands.  the walgreens by my house doesn't have any signs that say "no dogs allowed" so for a thrill, i bring him in with me.  what a rebel, right??  nobody has ever said anything, even the white-haired guys wearing walgreens vests instead of blue polos, which i assume makes them managers or something.  he even put his paws up on the pharmacy counter and all the pharmacist said was "hey doggie!"  although i'm pretty sure the guy in line before me was giving bix the stink eye.  we went to the pet store and got a new bag of food, two bully sticks, a vanilla mint flavored bone that's supposed to be good for his teeth, and a giant, nasty, oily, flaky, meaty bone that probably came from a cow or something, and this kid tried to pet him while he was eating it and he actually growled at the kid, which never happens, yikes.

ryan is back after three months from new zealand/thailand/japan and korea and singapore and various other parts of asia because he is a globe trotter now and we went to noodles & co and he got mac and cheese and i got something off the mediterranean menu because we are both pretty predictable and then we walked uuuup franklin street into carrboro and back dowwwwn franklin street and talked about what had happened since the beginning of july (kind of a lot!).  bixby was pretty much an angel, which wore off as soon as we got home and he went batshit and decided it was a good idea to run from the living down the hall to my bedroom, slam into the wall, and dash back into the living room, all while making the weird barky-growly-howly noise he does when he just DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HIS EMOTIONS, which is honestly how i feel a lot.

and then kaitlin and i had fall night, which meant that we wore sweaters and watched sweet home alabama and drank cider with fireball in it (holy yum) and ate gingersnaps and pumpkin spice cookies (holy double yum), aka had a fantastic time.  she had somehow never seen sweet home alabama, which happens to be one of my absolutely favorite chick flicks with some of the best/most quotable lines ("lookit the SIZE a that thang!" is one of my all time faves), and somehow it feels like a fall movie, even though technically i think it's set in august.  i get so caught up in summer and Doing Summer Things that i forget you can also Do Fall Things, like, lots of Fall Things, and although i've never had a fall to-do list, it may be time to start.  it'll include Corn Maze and Making A Shit Ton Of Pumpkin Seeds.

final note: bix is way into squirrels and when i walked him this morning, he saw one crossing a power line and stood like this for a solid minute or two, watching and waiting.  he's so awkward, but like dog like owner i guess.  we're going to the beach tomorrow (!!!) and i kind of can't wait to see him completely spaz out over a seagull.

trips to the farm are always too short.  seven of us made the trek out to western virginia a couple weekends back, smushed all of our air mattresses together in one big old room, talked about boys and music and college and life and things, and things, and things until we fell asleep.  we woke up and followed the drive all the way down to the river, right between the field and the mountains.  erika dove in first, because she's erika, and the rest of us slowly edged our way into the water, right up to our waists, most of us.  it was cold and probably one of the last times we could have stood the temperature.  back to the barn, to the house, to the little town nearby, little clifton forge, a one-street mecca.  we ate lunch and walked slowly slowly up the street and back the street, going into a clothing store and an antique shop and the art gallery, touching things with our hands, chatting and laughing and chatting and laughing.  then dinner at becky's house, and every time sally is there too, plus the dogs, and a tiny kitten that we all chased around.  it started to get windy and then it started to thunder and we could see the rain coming down the mountain so we packed up and moved inside and they fed all of us bbq and coleslaw and pickles and ice cream and emily told her stories.  there's just something soothing and rejuvenating about a weekend with girls, you know?  danielle creamed everybody in cards against humanity, and we drank cheap wine (thanks lauren!), and then one by one we drifted into bed until it was just me and sarah, even though we see each other more than anybody sees anybody else in that group, talking late late.  in the morning we gorged ourselves on penny's (waffles and hot chocolate, yes please!) and cleaned and everyone had to be home really soon so we hugged and said how wonderful it had been and let's do it again soon and drive safe and i love you i love you i love you all.

wardrobe capsule

a couple weeks ago, i found this style challenge through this blog.  the idea is a minimalist closet - thirty-seven articles of clothing - that hones in on your particular style so that every outfit you wear feels extremely, extremely you.  not to mention decluttering and de-stressing your life.  i was intrigued.  and then i went home and counted my dresses and was like holy moly i have thirty of these how the HECK would i pare my entire wardrobe down to 37.  so i decided to forget it but the idea stuck in my head and yesterday i found myself enthusiastically tossing shirts into a "probably give this away" pile.  i might be cheating - i'm not counting clothes i wear exclusively to work, running clothes, dog walking clothes, pajamas, dance clothes, accessories, extra extra fancy stuff... - but i've got a list of 37 items (14 tops, 3 skirts, 5 jeans, 7 dresses, and 8 pairs of shoes) that i will be wearing and wearing and wearing again this fall.  and that didn't seem like a lot, but when you consider that i can pair almost every top with almost every bottom, PLUS dresses, not to mention the different tights and scarves i can wear with everything, i come out with a whole lot of outfit possibilities, and all of them are made up of clothes i actually 100% love.  and maybe now i'll do something with my hair besides an elsa braid?!  (nah)

who knows - maybe i'll hate it - but i figure i'll just stick with it for a couple months, and then see if i want to update to a winter capsule.  it's not like i'll need my tshirts anymore...and then i can break out the sweaters...oh man, the planning might be the best part of all this... whatever the outcome, if i cheat, if i cave and buy everything like a credit card-wielding shopping monster (let's avoid that one actually), it's a new thing, a new way to approach fashion (if you can call what i wear fashion) with a lot less clutter and a lot fewer dollars.  my shopping growing up was fairly limited to the thrift store, which is all well and good if you do it right, but it took me years to figure out that quality is greater quantity and if you buy 20 things you only sort of like you'll wind up happy with none of them.  so this is sort of a reverse reaction to that - low low low quantity (relatively speaking) with a focus on quality and likeability, for the lack of a better word, for instance, my $10 target vee neck tshirt may not be the highest quality, but it is soft as heck and matches ALL my bottoms and looks great with a scarf, so i anticipate wearing it at least once a week this fall.

hey natalie (who is possibly my absolute favorite blogger right now) suggested a pinterest board, and you can believe i followed that advice.  my capsule board is here, and about 90% of it is stripes and scarves and fit & flare dresses:

so when i have my capsule 100% hammered out, i'll post pictures of the clothes (fascinating?) and then later maybe pictures of some of the outfits i put together (even better?!).  i am by no means stylish, but what the heck, i'll give it a shot. 

in college they tell you a lot of stuff about life after graduation.  they talk about the workplace and about grad school and expectations and if you're lucky they'll talk about how to find and apartment and do your taxes.  they talk about things that can be attained through hard work and checkboxes.  they don't tell you how incredibly weird and lonely it is and how few friends you'll have.

i wouldn't say this so openly if i hadn't had the same conversation via text or phone or skype or whatever with pretty much all my close friends in college.  you graduate, and your friends dissipate.  nobody's having hall parties anymore.  there isn't anyone to whisper-giggle with in class.  there isn't class (unless you're in grad school, i'm not i don't know what it's like).  you can't run downstairs and say YO BOYS IT'S B4D LET'S GO because nobody lives downstairs from you except a lot of spiders in your crawlspace, and they don't get as excited about breakfast for dinner.

point is, making friends after school is not easy.  places i've tried to find friends: bus, dog park, ballet class, coffee shops.  places i've actually found friends: reconnecting with people i knew in high school, people that happened to move to the same place i did after college, friends of guys i dated (warning: these friends may be temporary).  that about covers it?  so when sarah was like "i'm going to frisbee now!" i was like "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE TAKE ME TOO."

and it worked.  there are like a billion and a half people to be friends with there.  athletic, sociable, easy-to-talk-to recent grads, and i love it and i love them (too soon?  oh well).  i'm not the best frisbee player but i can go out there and have a blast if the environment is right and if the environment is cute friendly guys and cute friendly girls then the environment is right, which is lucky cause that's what everybody seems to be.

point is, if you graduated from college within the past couple of years and you're still floundering around for things to do and people to do them with, 10 out of 10 join an ultimate group.  they're full of good people.

first off, i want to say it's awesome that there is a fingernail polish that can detect date rape drugs, and i'm super impressed and excited that a group of college guys took the initiative to help prevent rape in a really creative way. BUT i struggle with there being yet another thing that women are supposed to do/wear/buy to avoid sexual assault. taking measures to protect yourself is GREAT. buddy systems, self defense classes, nail polish, chastity belts, whatever! go for it! but rape victims are already unfairly asked why they wore what they wore, why they were where they were, why they drank what they drank, etc, and my concern is that "why wasn't she wearing that nail polish?" will be added to the list of victim-blaming questions.

good things about today

1. the guy behind the counter at greens stuffed three extra hush puppies into my bag when i asked how his day was going.
2. a cute guy rode by on a bike while i was on my walk with bixby, and both of us looked back over our shoulders at each other.
3. i'm wearing my new dress and it is way pretty and i feel a little like i belong in a fairy tale.

scattered throughout my life (social media mainly, various unkept blogs, old journals) is the statement "this is your life at XXX."  or "you are XXX years old and..."

this is your life at seven.
you are eighteen years old and.

today you are twenty-four and restless.  today you fiddled with your phone and walked your dog and biked to work.  today you wore cowboy boots.

the limbo continues.  (which sounds way more like a party than my actual life.)  at one point you're going to have to be more decisive and choose who you actually are and who you actually are going to be.  in eighth grade, we were told to write down a word - ONE word - to describe ourselves.  how do you do that?  how do you take your entire self and wrap it up into one pathetic little word that doesn't have a chance at encompassing your little finger?  i chose "nice."  heck, i was nice.  maybe that was the most appropriate word to use at that moment in my life.  but not an hour later.  not an hour earlier.  certainly not now. 

when i was a little kid i wanted to be a doctor AND a ballerina AND a farmer AND a writer AND AND AND AND.  i still feel like that.  i don't know how to take my whole life and swirl it down into one little pinpoint and then DO that.  pick a career.  pick a place.  pick a life.  pick a word to describe yourself.

today you are twenty-four and everything is temporary.  today you are twenty-four and you have to start choosing.

this song on repeat, all day.  for a cozy kind of sad.

four years ago today

the cliffs of bonifacio

snorkeling queen

that rock in the background?  not a ship.

this is a ship.  oh, argo.

four years ago was seamester, three weeks on a 112 foot sailboat exploring the mediterranean.  i was good about journaling, entries almost every day, and everyone posted pictures on facebook, so i was able to compile a bunch of stuff into a decent little memory blog.  every year around this time, i go back and check it to see what was happening, what i was thinking, doing, seeing.

august 19 just says we just finished an 18-hour sail.  but we’re just outside of bonifacio now.  i can’t write i’m too tired.  (eighteen hours would have been 2 shifts of three hours for each watch team, some of them in the dark, it was exhausting and exhilarating, i miss it more than i should) but the next day's is more robust and describes the events of this day, four years ago:

...we found this amazing candy shop sam and everyone had recommended, this cavern full of barrels and barrels of gummy rats and cubes of black fudge and butterscotch eggs.  i really shouldn’t have bought as much as i did, i should have just marveled at this primitive honeydukes, but oh well... 

we had lunch and then all the students, even pete and connor and alex, and chad and stephanie went for this amazing hike.  it was really difficult, 5.5km and completely shadeless and pretty steep in parts, but the view!  we walked along the edge of this huge cliff that peered out over the bright blue water.  from below the cliffs look like utah only less orange and instead of dropping into flat land, it turns to this amazing clear ocean water.  i don’t know how high we were, but you’d definitely die if you fell off.  so we hiked forever, and i actually kept up, and just before this lighthouse we turned down a rocky path that led steep down to the beach.  i stripped and dove in right away, hot and dehydrated.  the beach was sand covering rocks, and in the water it was the same.  i brought my snorkel and things, so i paddled around in the water some.  i saw some jellyfish and some regular fish.  it was really cool, so clear and gray....  

...after the hike we walked back to the boat, which had moved to a slip, and ate dinner.  we got ready to go out, and those of us not confined to the boat went to a bar on the main walk next to the harbor... everyone was just talking and flirting.  then we moved to this other bar... it gets sort of blurry...

we left bonifacio this morning, still wobbly from last night.  we’re headed for sardinia now.  this is the second to last day of sailing we have, this and a 24-hour sail all the way to rome.  it’s raining but it’s sunny, so i should go.

i was twenty, halfway through college, with no one i knew, the farthest i'd ever been from home, having the most wonderful time.  i'd always said i could live on a sailboat - i did live on a sailboat, for three weeks at least, sleeping with the waves, sailing with the stars, grinning in the sun.

I GOT A DOG!!!!!!

his name is bixby, often bix, and he is the best little lovebug i could have asked for.  he came from the local shelter, an owner surrender that's all trained up and good to go, lucky me! 

we're still figuring each other out - what he has to do to get treats, how much food he needs to fill out those skinny ribs, when he's allowed on the bed, how to keep him from barking at harmless joggers - but i am so head over heels for this dude.  he LOVES walks, LOVES his toys, LOVES babies, LOVES LOVES LOVES.  he has some of the best manners, staying by my side on the leash, taking treats gently from my hand, sitting before we go inside or outside.  we walk ALL THE TIME (i think i covered about six miles yesterday) but if he doesn't get enough outdoor time he goes nuts, barking and whining.  he's the most talkative dog i've ever met.  he'll whine, bark, ruff, yap, even howl a little bit to try to get his meaning across.  yesterday i left him outside weaver street with a group of guys so i could grab a loco pop, and they said he was perfectly well behaved, but when he saw me come back his did the happiest bark (and of course, wouldn't shut up).  when we walk he'll sometimes look up at me and smile like i'm the best thing he's ever laid eyes on.

today is his first vet appointment, with me anyway, and i'm hoping they give us the go ahead to jog and hit the dog park and go to the lake because this dude has so many adventures in front of him he doesn't even KNOW.  he's changed everything, and sort of nothing, because i can still go out and see friends and have a wonderful time, there's just a dog around a lot more.  he is a huge time commitment, and part of my brain is constantly dedicated to worrying about him unless he's right next to me, but i am so, so happy he is my dog and that i am his human.