first off, i want to say it's awesome that there is a fingernail polish that can detect date rape drugs, and i'm super impressed and excited that a group of college guys took the initiative to help prevent rape in a really creative way. BUT i struggle with there being yet another thing that women are supposed to do/wear/buy to avoid sexual assault. taking measures to protect yourself is GREAT. buddy systems, self defense classes, nail polish, chastity belts, whatever! go for it! but rape victims are already unfairly asked why they wore what they wore, why they were where they were, why they drank what they drank, etc, and my concern is that "why wasn't she wearing that nail polish?" will be added to the list of victim-blaming questions.

good things about today

1. the guy behind the counter at greens stuffed three extra hush puppies into my bag when i asked how his day was going.
2. a cute guy rode by on a bike while i was on my walk with bixby, and both of us looked back over our shoulders at each other.
3. i'm wearing my new dress and it is way pretty and i feel a little like i belong in a fairy tale.

scattered throughout my life (social media mainly, various unkept blogs, old journals) is the statement "this is your life at XXX."  or "you are XXX years old and..."

this is your life at seven.
you are eighteen years old and.

today you are twenty-four and restless.  today you fiddled with your phone and walked your dog and biked to work.  today you wore cowboy boots.

the limbo continues.  (which sounds way more like a party than my actual life.)  at one point you're going to have to be more decisive and choose who you actually are and who you actually are going to be.  in eighth grade, we were told to write down a word - ONE word - to describe ourselves.  how do you do that?  how do you take your entire self and wrap it up into one pathetic little word that doesn't have a chance at encompassing your little finger?  i chose "nice."  heck, i was nice.  maybe that was the most appropriate word to use at that moment in my life.  but not an hour later.  not an hour earlier.  certainly not now. 

when i was a little kid i wanted to be a doctor AND a ballerina AND a farmer AND a writer AND AND AND AND.  i still feel like that.  i don't know how to take my whole life and swirl it down into one little pinpoint and then DO that.  pick a career.  pick a place.  pick a life.  pick a word to describe yourself.

today you are twenty-four and everything is temporary.  today you are twenty-four and you have to start choosing.

this song on repeat, all day.  for a cozy kind of sad.

four years ago today

the cliffs of bonifacio

snorkeling queen

that rock in the background?  not a ship.

this is a ship.  oh, argo.

four years ago was seamester, three weeks on a 112 foot sailboat exploring the mediterranean.  i was good about journaling, entries almost every day, and everyone posted pictures on facebook, so i was able to compile a bunch of stuff into a decent little memory blog.  every year around this time, i go back and check it to see what was happening, what i was thinking, doing, seeing.

august 19 just says we just finished an 18-hour sail.  but we’re just outside of bonifacio now.  i can’t write i’m too tired.  (eighteen hours would have been 2 shifts of three hours for each watch team, some of them in the dark, it was exhausting and exhilarating, i miss it more than i should) but the next day's is more robust and describes the events of this day, four years ago:

...we found this amazing candy shop sam and everyone had recommended, this cavern full of barrels and barrels of gummy rats and cubes of black fudge and butterscotch eggs.  i really shouldn’t have bought as much as i did, i should have just marveled at this primitive honeydukes, but oh well... 

we had lunch and then all the students, even pete and connor and alex, and chad and stephanie went for this amazing hike.  it was really difficult, 5.5km and completely shadeless and pretty steep in parts, but the view!  we walked along the edge of this huge cliff that peered out over the bright blue water.  from below the cliffs look like utah only less orange and instead of dropping into flat land, it turns to this amazing clear ocean water.  i don’t know how high we were, but you’d definitely die if you fell off.  so we hiked forever, and i actually kept up, and just before this lighthouse we turned down a rocky path that led steep down to the beach.  i stripped and dove in right away, hot and dehydrated.  the beach was sand covering rocks, and in the water it was the same.  i brought my snorkel and things, so i paddled around in the water some.  i saw some jellyfish and some regular fish.  it was really cool, so clear and gray....  

...after the hike we walked back to the boat, which had moved to a slip, and ate dinner.  we got ready to go out, and those of us not confined to the boat went to a bar on the main walk next to the harbor... everyone was just talking and flirting.  then we moved to this other bar... it gets sort of blurry...

we left bonifacio this morning, still wobbly from last night.  we’re headed for sardinia now.  this is the second to last day of sailing we have, this and a 24-hour sail all the way to rome.  it’s raining but it’s sunny, so i should go.

i was twenty, halfway through college, with no one i knew, the farthest i'd ever been from home, having the most wonderful time.  i'd always said i could live on a sailboat - i did live on a sailboat, for three weeks at least, sleeping with the waves, sailing with the stars, grinning in the sun.

I GOT A DOG!!!!!!

his name is bixby, often bix, and he is the best little lovebug i could have asked for.  he came from the local shelter, an owner surrender that's all trained up and good to go, lucky me! 

we're still figuring each other out - what he has to do to get treats, how much food he needs to fill out those skinny ribs, when he's allowed on the bed, how to keep him from barking at harmless joggers - but i am so head over heels for this dude.  he LOVES walks, LOVES his toys, LOVES babies, LOVES LOVES LOVES.  he has some of the best manners, staying by my side on the leash, taking treats gently from my hand, sitting before we go inside or outside.  we walk ALL THE TIME (i think i covered about six miles yesterday) but if he doesn't get enough outdoor time he goes nuts, barking and whining.  he's the most talkative dog i've ever met.  he'll whine, bark, ruff, yap, even howl a little bit to try to get his meaning across.  yesterday i left him outside weaver street with a group of guys so i could grab a loco pop, and they said he was perfectly well behaved, but when he saw me come back his did the happiest bark (and of course, wouldn't shut up).  when we walk he'll sometimes look up at me and smile like i'm the best thing he's ever laid eyes on.

today is his first vet appointment, with me anyway, and i'm hoping they give us the go ahead to jog and hit the dog park and go to the lake because this dude has so many adventures in front of him he doesn't even KNOW.  he's changed everything, and sort of nothing, because i can still go out and see friends and have a wonderful time, there's just a dog around a lot more.  he is a huge time commitment, and part of my brain is constantly dedicated to worrying about him unless he's right next to me, but i am so, so happy he is my dog and that i am his human.